Remembering More About Erin

As Erin made the transition from ER nurse to flight nurse, her paramedic experience proved invaluable. She felt once again the huge adrenalin rush from taking that critical person and keeping them alive, reaching the hospital, turning them over to the ER staff. Erin was always a take charge person. She said she was never alive doing the day to day routine of nursing. Even in the ICU it was never enough. She wanted the rush when you knew it was up to you, totally your skill and knowledge, that saved that patient.

Through the years we had discussed the heartbreak she felt when she connected with a patient she couldn't save. That first toddler was a memory she carried to the day she died. The baby that was already gone when they arrived to load from the waiting ambulance. And of course always there were the burn victims.

Very occasionally Erin would mention a problem at work. A pilot who ignored a warning, a lack of equipment she felt she needed. She had me hunt for certain silk long johns to wear under a flight suit she didn't want touching her skin. The boots and helmut she purchased for herself. Looking back how could a mother fail to hear the undercurrent running through these conversations? I never related these requests to crashing. To being again in a fire. Was her only concern about crashing, a fire? Did Erin never consider the alternative?